Pilot

I don't have a direction for this blog but it is a way for me to unfold the layers we wear everyday, be raw and open and hopefully know someone else feels the same.

I come from a conservative, Indian family. Growing up, my mother would remind me how much "freedom" my father gave us. Yes, I was allowed to go out with my friends to go watch a movie, to the mall, to the city. Then I started college, the same restrictions applied even though I was older. I turned 21 and still had to be home before 10, any later- my mom was blowing up my phone. I rebelled and went out and stayed out late. I had to constantly lie and say I'm staying over at a friend's house when staying with a guy. When I was experiencing all this, I never realized how exhausting it was. I was constantly fighting for my freedom.

In most brown households, it is ingrained from a young age that whatever you do, you owe to your parents. All your achievements, success, happiness, decisions- all are for the sake of your parents. You must make decisions that will keep their reputation. You must make sure everyone in the family is happy even if you are not. I don't mean to sound ungrateful but I don't owe my life to my parents. Yes, they decided to have me, to raise me, to educate me, to provide me with everything they could. I am forever grateful for those things but that does not mean I owe them my life. I didn't decide to come into this world- they did. They decided to take care of me, they didn't have to but they chose these things because that's what they wanted. For some reason, this concept seems to fall through the cracks in the brown community. Any time, you disappoint your family, it is a life or death situation. We're not allowed to openly express ourselves because "log kya kahenge" (what will people say).

I disappointed my family when I got pregnant before marriage, with my Dominican boyfriend. It's been about 2 years now and my dad still doesn't speak to me. Everything during that time became how are we going to face everyone, what will we tell people, what are they going to say, you've ruined the family's reputation, etc. Nothing was ever mentioned about how I was feeling, what my choices were, how they can help me. My feelings were inadequate. Theirs were superior. They wanted me to get an abortion because they wouldn't know what to tell people. The worst part about all this was me considering I should do it for my family. My first thought finding out I was pregnant..."I'm going to lose my family." That's how much I've been conditioned with 'live for your family.'